My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Randomize
