my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
love makes seman taste better
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
