I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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