I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
