apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
