Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
