I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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