I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
