i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
