theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
