Screwed.edu
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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