I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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