i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
We got so high we made milksteak
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
