is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
