Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
