The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
