hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
