A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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