I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
