I skipped work to stalk him.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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