The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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