Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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