i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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