What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
bring money and cleavage
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
