There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
