worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
