When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
