I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
