I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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