I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
PS: I just woke up from my shower
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
