she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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