the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
