Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
