I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
