I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
