what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
