hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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