saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Randomize
