Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
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