I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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