i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
