If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
