i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
you will always have a special place in my vag
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
how does that bad decision feel?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
