Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
