WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
