when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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