U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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