If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
