I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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