I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
